I cry at every commercial involving the military. I am scared to death that Jeff will actually get off probation for the DUI (last June) and enlist in the Marines. It’s such a difficult choice, and one I cannot have a part of. He is *cough* a man.It looks promising that his probation will be terminated. If so, the reality of it all will hit me hard. The judge is (or will be) terminating his probation for the sole purpose of his participation in the Marines. Granted, once his probation is terminated he could tell everyone to screw themselves and not enlist. If he does what will he do? He’s lost his job for a poor attitude; not defiant or rude – just not a people person. So what’s change?

I have a feeling he is enlisting because that is all there is. However, as we were driving home from the recruiter’s office yesterday he told me he is going into the reserves (never mind they are being called up as fast as those enlisted full time). I asked him what he would be doing after boot camp and training if he was going in as a reserve. He informed me he would be working (which thus far he hasn’t been able to do) and/or going to school. I find it hard to believe he will do those things as without a driver’s license it makes it difficult for him to get from point A to point B. Yes, there’s a bus, but thus far Jeff has been too good to ride the bus. He thinks he will get a restricted license, but I really doubt it. Not even the DMV is that stupid. Besides, he has no vehicle. We sold his car after the DUI, and even if he got a car somehow he has no insurance. I have already told him he will never be insured on my policy again.

I feel like such a hypocrite, internally anyway. I want him safe, but not here with me. I want him to grow up and have a job but not be put in harms way (which being a Marine would do).

I love Jeff with every breath in me. I just have no idea which is really best for him. Staying here and struggling with working, school and just staying on probation (which means continuing drinking with all his friends) or enlist, learn, become responsible, protect, serve (but being in harms way day in and day out). I am torn – I am so torn I cry at almost anything related to military, flags, and/or anything patriotic.

I am scared for Jeff’s life. Here at home living this so called normal life of his, or enlisting and being one of The Few, The Proud, The Marines.

Doesn’t help that the only two MOS’ available for reserve enlistment is Food Services or Infantry.

Tonight’s difficult without my mind working over time on a decision I have no part of. It’s New Years Eve; the drinking day. (not like Jeff needs a reason). I’ve already told him to call, no matter what time, as we want him safe. I have asked him not to drink (not counting on it though).

Jake was with Jeff for a short time but has since gone to a friend’s house. Jake is not allowed to drive tonight. We told him he could go to a friend or two, but we would take and pick up. He agreed with no fight (such a nice change). So, Jake oppted to stay at one friend’s house and call us around 1 a.m. to pick him up.

Liz, well I don’t have much control over a 20 year old who doesn’t live at home; or do I? Liz was going to drive out of town with a few friends and go to dinner and do some New Years Eve stuff. I indicated I wasn’t happy with the out of town as the weather has been less than safe. With snow flurries, flash floods, and rain rain and more rain, not to mention the ice through the mountains I suggested something closer to home. She acted like she was put out as I was telling her what to do. Later on she called and told me she is staying in town (made sure to tell me it wasn’t because I wanted her to) and going to dinner her with friends and then having friends to her house for board games and fun.

So, I have no power – but I do. Like I said thus far tonight is going fine I am just hoping it stays that way.