I need to learn to say no. I need to let them work things out themselves. I need to step back, but when they call and say “help me” I can’t seem to find the no.

Liz needs 700 dollars, and anyone with half a brain can guess who she asked. Apparently we discussed this previously, which we didn’t. I knew she got money from Neil (finally her father did something for her) and I thought because he coughed up some money I was off the hook; apparently I wasn’t.

700 dollars needs to be paid back to Adam’s parents for her share of the deposit on the house they rented. I just don’t see this ending. At some point you have to stand on your own two feet. I have to make her do that. I have to a point at times – but we both digress to kid/mom when things are tough. .

So here are the correspondents in order:
liz:
Hey I'm at work I can't call you because I forgot the calling card anywho. Call me when you get this email at work or at home if I'm already off. So
Adams parents are really upset I guess because they thought they were going to get my half of the deposit that they paid today. They thought I was paying it in whole on the first. I guess I thought we talked about it but now everyone is upset
Adams parents are mad at me and you or just me because I guess I'm solely responsible for the repayment. I talked to Dad and asked for some of the money because I need to pay them ASAP, I know they don't need the money and I expressed to Adam that we didn’t have it but he says his parents are broke and need the money, anyways dad said he might come across some money in a couple weeks and if that’s the case then he can send me some. Is there any way that you can pay his parents and I pay you back or something. When would it even be possible for you pay that?? Anyways just call me when you get my email. Love you
Liz

liz
So you sounded really upset on the phone. I'm sorry that we didn’t communicate well. I was with the understanding that you were paying it back. I mean I really wouldn’t have had the money to do it. I would have tried to save but I don’t have any money to save. I didn’t think that paying it the end of Aug. would matter to them I was thinking you could pay half now and then half on your next check. I can still see if they will let me do that. I know they don't need the money but I guess its the principle not the money! Call me and let me know what you wanna do.

Let me know what we should do.
Love you.
Liz

me:
I am upset by this because you are expecting someone else to complete your responsibilities. I guess it was miscommunication. I thought your father giving you money alleviating me of having to give anything. I know you think I have it, but honestly Liz coming up with money is difficult for me.

It upsets me that you and Adam live together like adults but really aren't adults. I am not beating you down I am simply making an observation. You two moved in together and part of that means working together on debts that you two create. You both wanted that house despite the lack of money. Enough said…

I haven't decided to front you all the money yet. I am going to think about it and talk to Geoff. I am thinking of sending half. Can you borrow the other half from Adam and then you pay him back at the end of the month with your saved money? I know he makes much more than you and most likely could do that. If and when your father sends you money you can start paying me back or Adam or half and half. Have you actually got concrete information as to your school loan and when you might receive that money?

It is time to step up to the plate Liz. You need to go to the loan workshop, get a second job, focus in school, do the right things, and basically not spend money. It is a hard life when you can't do anything fun, but you've placed yourself in that spot for now. Again, I am still thinking on this all together. I know it is not your problem, but between you and Jeff always needing something there's very little I can save or buy for myself. It is becoming very unfair. If you can't make it on your own maybe you should think about moving home.

I love you – write me back tonight and let me know if Adam can pay half and you pay him back first and then me.

I love you,
Mom
(I really don't hate you I am just feeling very overwhelmed at all this)

liz:

I know that you are upset about this whole situation as am I. Do you think that I like never having money never doing anything and always having to make others struggle because of me? No I don’t. I understand that coming up with money is difficult for you, just as it is difficult for me.

Seriously mom I was under the understanding that you were paying that back I thought we talked about you paying half from one check and then half from another check and then when we moved out you would get that amount back. I guess I must have thought we had this conversation or we did have it and you just interpreted it differently than I did. I'm sorry about this because now someone is going to be unhappy. Both ways me, but either you or Adams parents. You're already upset and so are they. Either way I don’t win. I just want to fix this problem. I do not have the money to pay it and if I did I would. I don't do anything with my money you're right it was the dumbest thing for me to do to move into that house. I don't have the money to live there I shouldn’t have moved in somewhere where I couldn’t pay the bills. Maybe I should just move home…Maybe when Jeff gets here he can take over half the room get a job and pay for it. I can't afford it.

I know that Adam and I have created debt but his is paid off and mine I thought was coming from you so I didn’t think to ask Adam in the beginning for it! I'm sorry for this and now he doesn’t have it. He has to pay rent and paid his parents back in full for the deposit. I don't think he even has 200 he could lend me. I can ask my boss at work if he can lend it to me and call dad again. I'm doing everything in my power to find the money. I would have started earlier if I knew I was paying this money. I hope you truly understand that I did not know that i was going to have to pay this. I would have never moved in with this understanding.

So I guess all in all your right I shouldn’t live in this house. I know you think I'm taking no responsibility but I do contact the school and I already have signed up for the loan workshop and mom I would get another job but school is going to start in less than a month and I can't have two jobs and go to school. I won't be able to do any school. I should start thinking about other options I still have time to register for BC and live at home. I guess school is school. Although I love living out here and with Adam and my job is here I can live for free at home…which is about what I can afford 🙂 I can't have Adam or you support me I need to support myself and maybe the only way is to move home. I've tried looking for cheaper rent but at the moment that is not an option. I'm paying almost nothing to live out here now…..most people pay a lot more to live out here. I guess I just want to live here but it doesn’t look like that is the best option for me.

I know having to lend Jeff and I money is getting annoying! I understand this. Maybe you could just pay
Adams parents back and then I'll come home get a job and start paying you back. I wont have any bills and that will be possible for me. Let me know what you decide

Adam is really upset at me right now…I told him I was thinking about moving home and now he is all pissy at me. I guess not pissy just upset because he likes having me around. I haven’t thought this through much but at the moment it seems like the best idea….Love you get back to me

me:
I will talk to Geoff. I don't want you to HAVE to move home, but I have to believe you can make it on your own. I know this money thing is a HUGE issue but a temporary one. We didn't talk about the money in detail like you think. We talked briefly and then when your father sent money I thought that was the money you needed, all the money you needed.

I am sorry if Adam is upset but he has to understand part of what you two did by moving in together was incurred the responsibility together. So even though Adam paid back his part your inability to pay your part right now affects him. Don't try to guilt me with the moving home stuff. I say that because it is an option. I feel like you say it so I can say "oh no you don't have to do that." I am doing everything I can to help you make the right decisions in this early part of adulthood. Please just help me help you by thinking things through.

We are both upset – I know this. We'll talk more after I talk to Geoff tomorrow. Did you ask Adam if he can lend you any money (after he gets paid?). I was also unclear as to when your loan workshop is and how long thereafter can you expect a check? Did you ask that question? I think a second job is out of the question as you do have to do school. I am just having faith you will do so as each time you enroll you end up dropping and just not telling me. It is time to get serious Liz, about everything. Struggling or not – you better get a plan; figure out what you want and what you don't, and then get on the right course. Understand?

There comes a time when all parents need to let go and allow their child, adult child to fly. I have been slowly doing that for what seems to be a very long time, but quite honestly not sure I can let this one go. She’s happy there- works full time for the most part – goes to school – actually loves her life when she doesn’t have to think money issues. She doesn’t spend a lot, doesn’t need a lot, is happy going to the beach, which is a few blocks from her house and spending little to no money. Another factor is when Jeff comes home his plan was to move there with Liz to be away from the crowd here in town and continue to try and change his lifestyle from drinker/partier to school kid and weekend Marine.

There’s so much to think about – and in the end I always do the same thing…break me to save them. Guess it is just in my blood. I really had wanted to do things around the house with that money. Fix the pool/Jacuzzi. Let Jake lay sod like he wanted in the backyard; maybe another time. Maybe….my life is a big fat maybe.  

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