It’s hard on a mother’s heart to know her child is hurting. Jeff called today more depressed than I have ever heard before. There was no positive in his voice; his outlook bleak with no light in the distance, or at least in his mind.

His feelings over his girlfriend weigh heavily on him. They are on again – off again – and at the moment off. He says, “Mom I just need to take care of me right now I can barely do that.” Now, before anyone thinks something crazy there’s no commitment, no baby, no anything except young love – can’t live with you – can’t live without you type of relationship.

I told him that this time in his life is just about him. He wanted to know what he should do about his off right now girlfriend – all I could advise him was “whatever is best for you.” He said he wants to be done with her – at least for now until he gets his head on straight. This is something he has said before but been unable to stay away from her. Who knows what will happen this time.

He was very upset about coming home (from Virginia), “I don’t know if I can make it in the civilian world” He said. I sat there and listened – offering little as I felt these feelings might change over and over again before he actually gets home. He indicated he thought about going active duty as he has no real opportunity in the civilian world. He talked about not being smart enough for college (which he is) – not being able to find a good job (which he could) – and just being a leech. I asked him to try and not look at the big picture as it can be overwhelming. One thing at a time; work – everyone has to do it – and so will he. I reminded him it is difficult but not impossible. Being a responsible adult takes work; especially when you are new to it. Jeff never wanted to work a nothing job and never had the concept any honest days work is a job well done. He is one of the “I won’t work fast food” mentality kids. I reminded him there will be some work out there for him, but he needs to get off the I am too good for that type of work soapbox. We talked about school after the 10th time he said he was stupid to go. I didn’t lie; it would be difficult but not impossible. School isn’t supposed to be super easy. It is meant to challenge you and make you think. Yes, he can’t write a paper to save his life (high school didn’t prepare him and Geoff and I enabled him by doing the papers for him as we just needed him to get to graduation). He short sells himself though. He can write, he just can’t format it. He has clear and concise thoughts. He can prepare a thesis statement and start the ball rolling. He follows an outline to the letter. He has a lot of strengths; always weaknesses, we all have them, but that doesn’t make college impossible.

He vented for over 30 minutes today – third time in two weeks he called simply saying, “Mom I am depressed.” He talked and talked about active duty. ACTIVE DUTY – the words scare me, but if I am honest, very honest I do believe active duty would suit Jeff well. He does well when he is in a structured environment. He does well when he’s told what to do (not by his mommy). He bitches about it but he seems to blossom in that lifestyle. When he started talking about it (the last week or so) I didn’t encourage or discourage. I told him I would support any decision he made. I only said one thing. Something to the effect – If you request/go active duty because you want it, desire it, and feel it is your best quality of life then it is great. If you request/go active duty because you think you can not achieve anything else then it may not be the right thing for you. With his mentality right now of I am stupid- work – school – etc it is something he needs to think about. Life will look different tomorrow – it always does.

He said a few things that really troubled me – Mom I can’t make it out there I am just an alcoholic like everyone says. “Do you think you are an alcoholic” I asked. “Doesn’t matter what I think it matters what everyone keeps telling me.” He responded.

He still struggles this I know. He doesn’t drink as much as he use to, but drinks far too much – something I believe he is coming to understand. Maybe he thinks he will drink more when out – I don't know what is going on in his head.

All in all a hard day for baby (mama’s baby Jeff) and mom; a mother’s heart hurts tonight.

Tonight – for tonight I will think of Jeff’s innocence and happy – giggly times.

 Jeff's cute smile
Click link above to see cuteness!

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