Another Mother’s Day past and I for one can’t be happier. I don’t think this day will ever be one I feel good about. Early on I thought having my own children would make it easier, but honestly it hasn’t.

When the children were younger I could hide my sadness easier. There were always things to do; foods to prepare and family functions to attend, but now – now things are different.

It is an awful feeling to have such emptiness when it comes to your relationship with your mother. I could put more effort into building a relationship with her, but I really don’t know how to do that. She and I have tried to talk in years past but I think we both throw in the towel after a few attempts. It isn’t that there is hatred (at least I don’t think) it is more that we can’t find common ground. There is no point of reference; nothing to unite us. Biological is not enough to unite people, at least I haven’t felt it to this point.

A quote from “The Mother Knot” “… I was the girl who loved and hated her mother in equal measure, whose  longing was obvious and whose rage had always been concealed, even  – especially  – from herself…”

So if the above statement is something I truly feel then what do I do to change it? Is there really a possibility of a relationship when you have never had one? Maybe it is just me; others have been able to overcome a rift in a parent/child relationship and found each other. The fact that I cannot says something about me.

I keep thinking it is because she and I have never had a bond; no relationship at all. That being the case it feels impossible to build one starting out with nothing at all. Watching T.V. (ok I know one shouldn’t compare to the TV world) I really think it is just me with this issue. The television show Starting Over shows me that it can be done. Cassie gave a child up for adoption. Had no relationship with that child and was able to start to build a bond. So why can’t I? Is it really an impossible task or is my warped mind unable to free itself long enough to let her in; so many questions with no acceptable answers.

We have nothing in common, but is that really the reason – or merely a cold hearted daughter’s excuse? I don’t know if we have anything in common but I push enough so that I will never have to find out.

Anyway, just a bit of rambling from a swollen eyed daughter who hates mother’s day. The tears flow in private – no one needs to know or see – for the simple solution is break down the wall built high around me  ( in regard to her) – which I say, for now, No.

As for my day with my own children it was almost non existent. Liz called twice – and after talking about financial issues said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day.” When she lived in town she always made a point of getting me flowers, and spending time with me, but now that she is out of town I suppose “Oh yea Happy Mother’s Day” will do. My heart isn’t into mother’s day anyway, but somehow I wish she had attempted something more than the statement. I know she loves me so I am not going to place too much on a day that is like any other day. I really do know she loves me and our relationship is one based on love, trust and openness. What could she have said or done today to make that any different – nothing.

I talked to Jeff today as well. He was busy with his drill weekend (Marine Reserves) but called me to say he didn’t need Geoff to pick him up. Before he hung up he said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day. (did he and Liz set that up earlier..geez). He said he was busy and didn’t have much time but wanted to say hi. Jeff is a lot like me and doesn’t really go out for days such as mother’s day and birthdays. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. You would think I would accept and be completely satisfied with a statement and not a big ordeal since I don’t usually go all out either, but for some reason I want the thought behind the effort. Jeff and I have had our struggles, and though there is a lot I don’t condone in Jeff’s life he knows that I am always there to love him – no matter what. I am glad he knows he is loved even if he doesn’t like my position on any given subject.

Then there’s Jake. Jake was sweet; asking if I wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I think over the years he has come to know this day is miserable for me. He didn’t push it and for that I was grateful. I said I didn’t want to do anything and that was half true – so we left it at that. He went out for a bit and when he came back he brought roses. “Happy Mother’s Day Mom; okay gotta go now.” All in all the same Mother’s Day I have had every year for my entire life. Maybe it is time for a change  – maybe.  

(above linked pictures are dated – Liz current age 21 – Jeff current age 20 – Jake current age 17)

Advertisements