There are so many parent bloggers out there and almost all of them post such happy feelings and life events, so my thought is – what’s wrong with me? Why is it when happiness occurs around my children thereby bringing great joy I don’t feel the pull to journal it for keepsake? I am the minority of parents (ok Moms) when it comes to the art of writing.

I find myself in a strange place of writing when the world crashes atop of the kids. When they are hurting, hurting each other, and experiencing hard lessons – that is the time when I MUST write. So why does the same urge not flow through my heart, mind and into my fingers when they experience good? If anyone can answer that by all means do.

I have a few thoughts – first off – most of the mother/father or parent blogs I read are people with young and very cute children. Yes, my children are cute, but they are not taking their first steps (literally) or eating their first mudpie. They are stumbling through the path of young adulthood and thus making many decisions I don’t agree with and I know in my heart are poor choices. I think people with younger children have similar problems (though they might see them as joys) as their itsy bitsy kidlets are doing so many things for the first time and maybe even stumbling while doing so. It feels so different when we are talking first day of school stuff and sex, drug/alcohol etc etc. Yes, those are all life events for teenagers and young adults and thus my life at this time.

I wake up every morning with love, hope and fear. The empty nest syndrome is a farce – I guess if you think of it only as the children being in the home physically you might buy into it, but when you consider that the kids ..errr.. adults are you always with and in you there is no empty nest; the nest travels with every breath I take and that traveling is within my heart and spirit.

Maybe I would not feel so powerless if I wrote and embraced the joyous moments of my children’s lives as well. Ok, that is misleading as I do simmer with happiness when all is right, or heading in that direction, in their lives. I just don’t comment or feel the need to chronicle much of it. I love the happy moments in their lives and those moments are easily shared with them and friends, but the dark times are hard to verbalize to friends. Also there comes a time when there is no right time to share some hard facts with people who can not fix the situation and may offer nothing but judgement. Sure, as parents we all judge to a certain extent, but in those dark times can I handle that? – No, No I cannot.

There has been a lot of difficulty in their lives and sometimes I hold on to that as an excuse for their adult stumbling; really I mull it around in written form to understand my own involvement. You see (not normally admitted) I am an enabler. Years of being with a drug abuser have taught me well, but I cannot say those are habits worth learning. Slowly I am learning the art of “No.” Ok, again not really true but I almost got away with it. Slowly I am learning the art of not picking up my cell phone so I don’t have to say no!!!

It all comes down to the blogs, that is where this started, and because I read such wonderful parent stories I feel like the worst mother in the world not focusing more on those good times so that I can join the masses of parental bloggers. My entries probably scare the hell out of parents, as all that is written is grim.

We shall see if I can change my written outlook, but I fear if I do I won’t be able to work out the inner workings of our dark moments in such a way where I can help without completely enabling.

Although I thought it was difficult when they were young – looking back I now realize those were the best of times, and the easiest as a parent. It is much more difficult to parent a a child learning to be an adult then it is to parent a toddler. My opinion of course…although I can recall the days I thought differently.

We shall see….. happy moments here I come