family


There are so many parent bloggers out there and almost all of them post such happy feelings and life events, so my thought is – what’s wrong with me? (more…)

images.jpeg     I unleashed the rage on Liz and though some was hers to own some was not. I had called Liz three times and left her one-txt message and still no phone call. Finally after 11:30 p.m. she calls me. I went off on her about her overdrawn bank account and how her she was irresponsible in allowing her account to get into this state. She tried to explain but I wouldn’t hear it. There’s no reason that is acceptable. If you don’t have money you don’t spend money – PERIOD. I went on and on about how she doesn’t give her money situation much thought because she knows I will bail her out. Ok, but this time I am crying. I am so tired of spending every dime on Liz and Jeff and them feeling entitled to the funds. It isn’t that I mind helping. I mind them thinking I have to help, and allowing me to do so continuously. I care that they don’t care that I cannot do anything fun or interesting because all my time, energy and money goes to keep them afloat.All this was not just Liz’ responsibility, but to me it was. I had talked to Jeff earlier as he had called a day or two ago and stated he needed help with his rent. Jeff gets so mad when I question him as to where his money goes so it makes every conversation a chore. He doesn’t get it ..If I am funding something I am entitled to reasons and I am obligated to talk to him about how he spends his money and why he cannot pay his own rent. (more…)

My cup doesn’t runneth over, and the fact that the kids think it does often sticks in my craw. I received a call from Jeff today about help with his rent. When I advised him that just two or three days ago he had 600 dollars in his account, which was enough to cover his rent, he stated that he spent part of it on necessities. Is going out to eat a necessity? I asked him that, to which he stated, “Well Liz wanted to go out and you know I had to pay for her. She doesn’t have any money.” I tried to point out that going out to eat was a necessity. Jeff just doesn’t really see it because he knows I am always hear plucking that money tree I must have in the backyard ensuring his financial security for one more month. Although Jeff asks for money he normally (sometimes) pays me back. As he said this time when he asked I could take the money back on the 8th when he gets paid. He tried to go into that spiel of how he always pays me back. I reminded him that when he was away at drill for three weeks I paid his rent and haven’t taken it back, and I haven’t taken back the deposit for this new apartment I forked out. He doesn’t always have money, and it serves me no purpose to take it back if he has to call and ask me for it the next day.Jeff thinks I help Liz and never expect it back. Thus far Liz hasn’t been able to pay it back, so yes I haven’t expected all my many hundreds of dollars back from Liz. That said, it should be noted that Liz isn’t out spending my money on parties and such. I have given her just enough to pay bills, and I know she wasn’t misappropriating it as she didn’t have a job at the time so there was no money to spend other than what I gave her.

Kids, they just don’t get it that parents are not made of money. My money tree is dying off, actually it died off long ago I just fake having it most of the time. I give to them and go without myself, which seems wrong since they are supposed to be adults living on their own.

Liz called me shortly after Jeff did and yes, it was about money too. A bit different, and in a round about way, but still about money. Liz had an interview today for a second job as a receptionist, and from what she said she got it. YEAH! She supposedly starts in two weeks. 23 hours a week, which is great and she can still keep her waitress job as well. So in two plus weeks she might be back to completely self sufficient. So exciting for me! Of course there’s a catch. She needs clothes, nicer closthes as this place is a bit snobby and uppity. I told her when she comes home on the 11th we can go pick up a few pair of slacks and blouses. Buying in Santa Barbara is too expensive so when she comes home we can go to the cheapie stores. Sure the clothes might not last as long but she can worry about that when they fall apart; by then she can buy her new clothing with her own money.

After work I settled into dozing on the couch while I watched Big Brother (I really am a reality TV junkie) and remembered Jeff’s rent money. I called him and told him he needed exactly 239 dollars to cover his rent (he had some money in his account). I informed him he wouldn’t have a dime, not one-dime until the 8th when he got paid and asked how much money he wanted me to put in his account. I was willing to go over the 239 some, as I knew I was going to take it back. Jeff was obviously busy as I heard music in the background. He told me he was out with friends but he was NOT spending money. I honestly can’t say I believe that but I was more annoyed that I was going out of my way to help him and he wasn’t willing to stop socializing for even a minute or two and talk to me about it. I told him when he was done with his friends and being irresponsible to call me.

No call, no call…and yes, no call.

Finally, I just text messaged him and asked what he wanted. I advised him if I didn’t hear from him that he would get nothing. I am sure he will call later, and at this point I don’t plan to pick the phone up. He can call me later, at my convenience not his.

Money..grow on trees…..yeah right.

  I decided not to say anything to Jake’s girlfriend, DJ. I know she was worried about having to face me knowing I knew she and Jacob had done the deed. Jake told me he made her aware of it, and although I wanted to discuss what I had found out I really thought about it. After all what purpose would it serve?

DJ did not come over for a few days. I asked Jake about it and he had no reasoning behind it. We both knew why she didn’t feel comfortable enough to come around.  Finally, a day or two after DJ messaged me on AIM. I guess she figured if we made small talk she could feel me out. The small talk occured two or three times until finally came over .

I could tell she was hoping we (ok me) didn’t bring the whole sex subject up. I didn’t and that set her at ease. Last night Jake had to work so DJ, Geoff and myself went to dinner. I sensed she was still a bit uneasy but at least we were heading in the right direction.  I have to get used to the fact that Jacob and his girlfriend don’t really want to share some things with me. Although I think they are too young for sexual intercourse, they are going to do whatever they think is best.

Today I was going through my usual myspace.com reads (stealing pictures from my kid’s sites for memory videos and such) I came across this authored by Jacob to his girlfriend DJ.

Hi babe i dont work today we get to hang out yay. I just want you to know i love you so much and i dont know what i would do without you. Your the best thing that ever happend to me. I am so happy hat God put you on this earth. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

I feel odd about this. I know feelings are intense when sex is involved and young love, but I just feel odd about how intense this is. I have this gut feeling that this girl will be it for him. I like her, a lot, but if he never experiences things how will he ever be sure.

My thought at the moment…. BEWARE OF CHILDREN. Not because they are children, but because they grow up and have that stage of stupid young adult. I always use to joke I wouldn’t live through children, now I am not so sure I will make it through young adulthood.

*****

I talked to Jeff the other day he called for the usual fuck with my mother’s mind moment. He told me he went to court on his last arrest. When I asked what happened he sounded so serious. Jeff told me he received a 900 dollar fine and would have to do 20 days in jail. I was speechless and scared for him. He told me that if I wanted I could pay for an attorney to try and get him out of the 20 days jail. I immediately got quiet. First off why wouldn’t he pay for an attorney, and secondly, I didn’t think I could afford it and with that already felt I was failing him. Jeff was very carefree about the thought of having to spend 20 days in Jail. He kept saying no big deal and it will be like bootcamp.  After about 15 minutes Jeff decided it was time to clue me in. He was joking. All this was a joke. I could have killed him. I was so stressed and worried about the thought of him having to spend time in jail and to know he made it up was annoying. Jeff did go to court and was fined, but only 120 dollars. He had his licensed suspended for another year (which I thought was huge) but he seemed ok with it. Not sure why, as he was within 20 days of being able to obtain his license again. He did state that the court gave him a restricted license, which is good (maybe).

He did purchase a car from his friend a month or so ago, which he is still paying on so until it is paid off his friend is holding the vehicle. He will have to get special insurance, which I don’t think he can afford, but that is going to be an issue for him. I will say this, I am very worried about him driving. If he doesn’t have enough for the right insurance I believe he will drive anyway. If he doesn’t have a license to go everywhere and anywhere he will go anyway. He has shown by his actions that he is not done making very dumb choices, and for that reason I am worried for him. Alcohol and Jeff don’t go together at all. Alcohol, Jeff and a car is deadly.

*****

Liz has been laying low these days. She is working, which is a plus, but seems to be in a funk. Her and Adam #2 are at odds (again) and she just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want her. He only wants her sometimes, and even then it isn’t a real desire. I feel like getting her that book He’s just not that into you. Why doesn’t she see what everyone else sees. Liz is so strong, yet her one obsession is Adam. I hope she grows tired of caring for someone who could not give a shit about her.

*****

On a side note: Elizabeth, Jeffrey and Jacob all start school soon. I cannot believe they are all in college. I am still unsure of the funding. It seems no one works as hard as making sure their financial aid applications and information is submitted than myself. I keep asking each one to do follow up things and I get the run around. I don’t think they understand that although I am Mommy they are adults, legal over the age of 18 adults, and their mommy cannot call the school and get information or followup for them. They have to do that, tell me what is needed, and then we go from there. At this rate no funding will be given to them and we will all be struggling through the next semesters.

As I said BEWARE OF CHILDREN! When they are young they are easily controlled. I only wish I could go back to those good ol’ days (ok only sometimes). Once they are older it is more difficult to control what is needed.

thth17550.gif     Seeing them should make me feel warm and fuzzy; the feeling a mother gets when her children are close. However, I did not get that so desired feeling. Jeff and Liz arrived last night and planned to stay just one night. Jeff walked in, blood shot eyes and slurred speech. Immediately I knew he had been drinking. He gave me a hug and a kiss and within 15 minutes got a ride from a friend and was out for the night. I knew he would not be home that night. A friend here, a party there and he was off and running.

Liz told me he had been drinking on and off all afternoon as they were helping a friend move. Granted, he was not falling down drunk; merely a slight intoxication that bothered every fiber of my being. Liz was friendly but I can tell she is still put off due to my resent "Take a Stand" talk with her. Maybe she thinks if she stays a bit distant I will cave, but I have to say I feel somewhat stronger than I thought I would. She mentioned over the evening/next day of things she needed and I did not respond. I asked about her looking for a job and continued to talk to her about despite her apparent lack of interest in the subject. Finally she told me she is not working at the grocery store and had only worked there for one or two shifts. I did not even ask her what happened. She told me she thought she had a job at a cute little coffee place there. I will believe it when I see it.

Overall I feel used. They said they were coming home for Father's Day. Jeff did not even get home until after 3 p.m. and Liz didn't give Geoff the time of day before 2 p.m. Even grocery shopping Liz almost made me feel like she was doing me a favor by allowing us to buy her groceries. Now, before the "what happened to your tough stand" comes up I will say that as a parent I can not allow her to go hungry. So to ease my mind I bought both her and Jeff some food. No cash, no extras just food, and that is just what we did.

Anyway, I felt Geoff was a bit slighted by Liz and Jeff, but since that is between the kids and Geoff I should not dwell on it. I am not sure if Geoff's feelings were not hurt, but I really hope not.

On a side note: Jake wished Geoff a Happy Father's Day and threw a "I love you " on it for good measure. Even if Liz and Jeff don't say it I know they feel it. I would just think Geoff deserves the parental recognition. He may not be their biological father but he is their parent in every sense of the word. Love sure shows itself in odd ways in this family, but in my heart I know there's love.

motherhood1-05.jpg     I can not recall the last time we were all together as an entire family. There are times when it is Liz, Geoff and I, or Jeff and Geoff, or Liz and Geoff, and of course Liz, Jeff and Jake, but usually it is just Jake, Geoff and I, as Jake is the only one living at home.

Yesterday, do not ask me how, Geoff, I, and yes, Jacob, went to
Santa Barbara to see Liz and Jeff. I was actually shocked that Jake agreed to go. First off, no 17 year old wants to ride in the back seat listening to their parent’s music. It helps that we listen to a lot of the same stuff, but just the same I was pleasantly surprised Jake agreed to go.

We got a late start, which all the kids had a problem with, but because Geoff needs to catch up on sleep during the weekends a late start is the best we could do. When we arrived in SB we met Liz at Jeff's home. I was shocked, if that is a strong enough word. Jeff's house is a SHIT HOLE (his words). Liz told me it use to be nice but with the constant parties, the people throwing up, and whatever goes on there it has come to look like it did in a few short months. I swear sitting down in there was difficult. At one point I needed to use the bathroom, but since there's no door and you just have to announce "I have to pee" I opted to wait until we left.

We left before Jeff got off work and took Liz grocery shopping. Liz lives about 10 minutes from Jeff and since Jeff had about another hour to work we figured we would get some errands done. While there we went into Supercuts to give Jessica a hug (Jeff's ex girlfriend who moved there to be near him only to end up hating him and he her). Jessica showed me her new tattoo and rambled and laughed with me just like the good old days.

After visiting with Jessica and grocery shopping we went to Liz's house. I guess her house is supposed to be a step up from Jeff's but to me it was almost the same. Yes, it was a bit cleaner, but still, it looks like a dive.

I guess I have never given much thought to the dwelling they lived in. After all, Liz has lived in 5 different places since moving to
Santa Barbara, and Jeff has lived in two. I know it is a college way of living, and for the most part they live in a world of "How many kids can we cram into this apartment to help pay for rent" but my goodness to live in someone else's filth is just beyond me.

Finally, Jeff got off work and we met him at his house. The first thing, after a long, hard hug, was "Yeah Mom, how do you like my shit hole?" I just smiled and said it was dirty. Immediately I noticed he was drinking a beer. I don't understand why he had to drink a beer if he knew he was going to see me. He knows how I feel about alcohol, and he really knows how I feel about alcohol and him. Shit, he is not 21, and he has had so much trouble with alcohol why does he have to drink, and why flaunt it in front of my face. Of course I made a remark, to which he responded that he wasn't getting drunk, he had a hard day at work and he was in his home. I offered no response but he knew how I felt. We talked some about his move, as he and Adam #2 (Liz's ex who is something an ex and sometimes not and lives with Jeff) will be good for him. They found a studio apartment, 950 a month, which will be just theirs. Jeff seems to think that living in one room with Adam will stay cleaner, if for no other reason than there are not a million other kids living there or able to stay there. I hope that is the case and Jeff and Adam have better luck living together, without the masses.

Jeff and I hit one rough patch, of course when we were talking about money. I paid part of his deposit on the new place (again) and will have to pay his rent on the first as he does not get paid until the 8th of the month, and he will be away for his 2 month duty for the Marines. I made a comment about that as he kept spouting how independent he is, to which his response was I do nothing for him as he pays me back everything I give him. I guess when you are a kid (young adult) and you pay back SOME things you take that to mean you always pay back. I did not keep talking about it as he can become hurtful with words, as he did. I just cried when he left the room because I could not hold it in. I know he does no think it is hurtful, and I know he does not want to be hurtful, but what can I say..I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to the kids, how I feel about them, and how they feel about me.

It was nice, for the most part, being with Geoff and all three kids. It doesn't happen very much as the young adults are off living their own lives. Dinner went well, and I felt great joy in my heart watching Liz, Jeff and Jake interact; laughing and joking with each other was a great sight. After dinner Jeff took us to his work; showing us the facility and his desk. He really is doing well in the work arena and I am so proud of him for that. Before we left Jeff showed me the new studio apartment. It is in a better area, and closer to his job; walking distance is a huge plus when you don't have a driver’s license.

We hugged and kissed goodbye and on the road Geoff, Jake and I went.

All in all a heart warming day with all three of my kids; yes, there were a few rough patches, as I think there will always be, but just the same we love each other. We may differ on what is best, but we are there for each other – always. It was just what I needed – a FULL family day – my heart is full.

I love my family.

Jake, Liz, Jeff, Jessica, Adam
The above picture was taken when Jeff was stationed at Pendleton in June 2005

Another Mother’s Day past and I for one can’t be happier. I don’t think this day will ever be one I feel good about. Early on I thought having my own children would make it easier, but honestly it hasn’t.

When the children were younger I could hide my sadness easier. There were always things to do; foods to prepare and family functions to attend, but now – now things are different.

It is an awful feeling to have such emptiness when it comes to your relationship with your mother. I could put more effort into building a relationship with her, but I really don’t know how to do that. She and I have tried to talk in years past but I think we both throw in the towel after a few attempts. It isn’t that there is hatred (at least I don’t think) it is more that we can’t find common ground. There is no point of reference; nothing to unite us. Biological is not enough to unite people, at least I haven’t felt it to this point.

A quote from “The Mother Knot” “… I was the girl who loved and hated her mother in equal measure, whose  longing was obvious and whose rage had always been concealed, even  – especially  – from herself…”

So if the above statement is something I truly feel then what do I do to change it? Is there really a possibility of a relationship when you have never had one? Maybe it is just me; others have been able to overcome a rift in a parent/child relationship and found each other. The fact that I cannot says something about me.

I keep thinking it is because she and I have never had a bond; no relationship at all. That being the case it feels impossible to build one starting out with nothing at all. Watching T.V. (ok I know one shouldn’t compare to the TV world) I really think it is just me with this issue. The television show Starting Over shows me that it can be done. Cassie gave a child up for adoption. Had no relationship with that child and was able to start to build a bond. So why can’t I? Is it really an impossible task or is my warped mind unable to free itself long enough to let her in; so many questions with no acceptable answers.

We have nothing in common, but is that really the reason – or merely a cold hearted daughter’s excuse? I don’t know if we have anything in common but I push enough so that I will never have to find out.

Anyway, just a bit of rambling from a swollen eyed daughter who hates mother’s day. The tears flow in private – no one needs to know or see – for the simple solution is break down the wall built high around me  ( in regard to her) – which I say, for now, No.

As for my day with my own children it was almost non existent. Liz called twice – and after talking about financial issues said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day.” When she lived in town she always made a point of getting me flowers, and spending time with me, but now that she is out of town I suppose “Oh yea Happy Mother’s Day” will do. My heart isn’t into mother’s day anyway, but somehow I wish she had attempted something more than the statement. I know she loves me so I am not going to place too much on a day that is like any other day. I really do know she loves me and our relationship is one based on love, trust and openness. What could she have said or done today to make that any different – nothing.

I talked to Jeff today as well. He was busy with his drill weekend (Marine Reserves) but called me to say he didn’t need Geoff to pick him up. Before he hung up he said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day. (did he and Liz set that up earlier..geez). He said he was busy and didn’t have much time but wanted to say hi. Jeff is a lot like me and doesn’t really go out for days such as mother’s day and birthdays. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. You would think I would accept and be completely satisfied with a statement and not a big ordeal since I don’t usually go all out either, but for some reason I want the thought behind the effort. Jeff and I have had our struggles, and though there is a lot I don’t condone in Jeff’s life he knows that I am always there to love him – no matter what. I am glad he knows he is loved even if he doesn’t like my position on any given subject.

Then there’s Jake. Jake was sweet; asking if I wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I think over the years he has come to know this day is miserable for me. He didn’t push it and for that I was grateful. I said I didn’t want to do anything and that was half true – so we left it at that. He went out for a bit and when he came back he brought roses. “Happy Mother’s Day Mom; okay gotta go now.” All in all the same Mother’s Day I have had every year for my entire life. Maybe it is time for a change  – maybe.  

(above linked pictures are dated – Liz current age 21 – Jeff current age 20 – Jake current age 17)

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