Jake


I love the calls that start out “are you busy?” What is a mother supposed to say? Geoff and I are on vacation yet the calls come (beautiful isn’t it!). Okay,  first thing I thought something’s wrong, but she corrected me. She just wanted to talk. Wow, a call with no crisis behinid it, even on vacation thaat is a welcomed conversation.

She had a meeting with her boss. She got a two dollar an hour raise, and will be eligible for health insurance in 60 days. From no job, to two jobs, to more money and health insurance. Such a good feeling knowing your child is headed in the right direction!

Now, as for Jeff; who knows where he is headed. He hasn’t mentioned being arrested nor have I. Stange isn’t it? We can talk about so many things, and there is so much openness in the family but in this regard we both steer clear. Guess it is emotional survival on both our parts.

 And then there’s Jakie. His job is great- he is mostly responsible, and he still acts like I  am in charge. Guess my ego needs that from time to time. Of course since I have been out of town in San Francisco my mind wanders to just what him and  his girlfriend, DJ are getting away with. I am sure she is spending the night at the house most nights. I swore to myself I wouldn’t ask.  Don’t ask don’t tell…that is my new personal motto!

  I decided not to say anything to Jake’s girlfriend, DJ. I know she was worried about having to face me knowing I knew she and Jacob had done the deed. Jake told me he made her aware of it, and although I wanted to discuss what I had found out I really thought about it. After all what purpose would it serve?

DJ did not come over for a few days. I asked Jake about it and he had no reasoning behind it. We both knew why she didn’t feel comfortable enough to come around.  Finally, a day or two after DJ messaged me on AIM. I guess she figured if we made small talk she could feel me out. The small talk occured two or three times until finally came over .

I could tell she was hoping we (ok me) didn’t bring the whole sex subject up. I didn’t and that set her at ease. Last night Jake had to work so DJ, Geoff and myself went to dinner. I sensed she was still a bit uneasy but at least we were heading in the right direction.  I have to get used to the fact that Jacob and his girlfriend don’t really want to share some things with me. Although I think they are too young for sexual intercourse, they are going to do whatever they think is best.

Today I was going through my usual myspace.com reads (stealing pictures from my kid’s sites for memory videos and such) I came across this authored by Jacob to his girlfriend DJ.

Hi babe i dont work today we get to hang out yay. I just want you to know i love you so much and i dont know what i would do without you. Your the best thing that ever happend to me. I am so happy hat God put you on this earth. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

I feel odd about this. I know feelings are intense when sex is involved and young love, but I just feel odd about how intense this is. I have this gut feeling that this girl will be it for him. I like her, a lot, but if he never experiences things how will he ever be sure.

My thought at the moment…. BEWARE OF CHILDREN. Not because they are children, but because they grow up and have that stage of stupid young adult. I always use to joke I wouldn’t live through children, now I am not so sure I will make it through young adulthood.

*****

I talked to Jeff the other day he called for the usual fuck with my mother’s mind moment. He told me he went to court on his last arrest. When I asked what happened he sounded so serious. Jeff told me he received a 900 dollar fine and would have to do 20 days in jail. I was speechless and scared for him. He told me that if I wanted I could pay for an attorney to try and get him out of the 20 days jail. I immediately got quiet. First off why wouldn’t he pay for an attorney, and secondly, I didn’t think I could afford it and with that already felt I was failing him. Jeff was very carefree about the thought of having to spend 20 days in Jail. He kept saying no big deal and it will be like bootcamp.  After about 15 minutes Jeff decided it was time to clue me in. He was joking. All this was a joke. I could have killed him. I was so stressed and worried about the thought of him having to spend time in jail and to know he made it up was annoying. Jeff did go to court and was fined, but only 120 dollars. He had his licensed suspended for another year (which I thought was huge) but he seemed ok with it. Not sure why, as he was within 20 days of being able to obtain his license again. He did state that the court gave him a restricted license, which is good (maybe).

He did purchase a car from his friend a month or so ago, which he is still paying on so until it is paid off his friend is holding the vehicle. He will have to get special insurance, which I don’t think he can afford, but that is going to be an issue for him. I will say this, I am very worried about him driving. If he doesn’t have enough for the right insurance I believe he will drive anyway. If he doesn’t have a license to go everywhere and anywhere he will go anyway. He has shown by his actions that he is not done making very dumb choices, and for that reason I am worried for him. Alcohol and Jeff don’t go together at all. Alcohol, Jeff and a car is deadly.

*****

Liz has been laying low these days. She is working, which is a plus, but seems to be in a funk. Her and Adam #2 are at odds (again) and she just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want her. He only wants her sometimes, and even then it isn’t a real desire. I feel like getting her that book He’s just not that into you. Why doesn’t she see what everyone else sees. Liz is so strong, yet her one obsession is Adam. I hope she grows tired of caring for someone who could not give a shit about her.

*****

On a side note: Elizabeth, Jeffrey and Jacob all start school soon. I cannot believe they are all in college. I am still unsure of the funding. It seems no one works as hard as making sure their financial aid applications and information is submitted than myself. I keep asking each one to do follow up things and I get the run around. I don’t think they understand that although I am Mommy they are adults, legal over the age of 18 adults, and their mommy cannot call the school and get information or followup for them. They have to do that, tell me what is needed, and then we go from there. At this rate no funding will be given to them and we will all be struggling through the next semesters.

As I said BEWARE OF CHILDREN! When they are young they are easily controlled. I only wish I could go back to those good ol’ days (ok only sometimes). Once they are older it is more difficult to control what is needed.

 

Ok, so this is me, and even I know myself well enough to know that keeping my mouth shut was a long shot, and I didn’t!

 Jake walked in around midnight and immediately said “look in the trash can, Jake.” Whatever could I mean? After all how many mother’s tell their kids to simply look into the trash can. Usually it is “Hey take the trash out.”

Jake glanced into the almost empy trashcan and resting visibly on top of the sonic drink cup was the used condom laying atop the condom wrapped. Jake’s response was …

Yeah, I see, Uh huh, what do you want me to say, Mom?

I just sat there and then my mouth opened up and words just spilled out. “Are you having sex?” I asked. He was honest, can’t fault him for that. “Yes, Mom, but at least I am being responsible.” Damn him did he have to be so matter of fact!! I reminded him that he had told me his girlfriend was a virgin, to which he stated, “She was.” Jake explained that he and his girlfriend had been talking for a few months about having sex, and it was HER that decided she wanted to. Jake further advised me that she is on birthcontrol as well as using condoms. I guess her mother took her to get on the pill after a discussion about her being ready to fuck my son.

I shouldn’t say fuck. When I made that reference Jake said “We aren’t fucking, Mom, we are making LOVE.” What the hell do you say to that. So I gave the you are too young speech. There are a lot of emotional feelings involved both are very young to deal with all those feelings. I went through the pregnancy talk, etc etc. I said it was disrespectful to “Make Love” in my house, and his response was, “where else are we supposed to go. You want it to be cheap for us when we do it.” Lordy, am I supposed to tell him to get it on in my own house. Jake stated he would never do it when I was home, and would never subject me to something like that.

I knew I couldn’t talk about it anymore as I was still reeling from finding the condom. We shall revisit the subject.

When I told a few co-workers what happened they all remarked how odd it was that my son could talk to me about these things. How it was odd he wasn’t humilated. I find it comforting to know we are close and can talk about the big things, but this is one of those things I wish I had not stumbled across.

That damn dog brought that damn used condom into my world, and now there is no going back.

   Oh my god!!   

I am sitting here minding my own business just watching a little bit of television and out comes the dog with something in his mouth. I pry it out of his crooked clentched teeth and what do I yank out…A CONDOM! First thought is he found it, in an enclosed wrapper and tore it open himself. After all he is a puppy eating everything. Maybe he got into our room, or just maybe it was found in Jake’s room as I did provide him with condoms a very long time ago (like a year ago) after I found out he had sex one time. I am not encouraging sexual activity, and I did have the normal talk about not being ready (blah blah blah) but I have to be realistic and know he needs to be protected if my mother talk didn’t work. Anyway…I threw the condom in the trash and went into Jake’s room to see where the dog might have gotten it. There was a wrapper under his desk (looks like it had been in his trash but the dog took it out) and it didn’t look chewed open it looked torn open. I went back to the trash and gently picked up the condom..it wasn’t exactly clean. I can’t lie to myself and say it was unused. So after washing my hands (yeah I washed them like 3 times) I sat on the couch thinking what next???

 He’s 18 and a steady girlfriend (who I thought was a virgin..why because they both told me that ..I will believe anything!) so why would I think they are not sexually active. I am on the fence about confronting him. I know he won’t like if I ask him, but what will asking accomplish? I can only thank the lucky stars I didn’t walk in on any sexual activity as I did years ago with Liz and Adam #1.

It’s so hard being a mother. It is even harder being a mother of young adults who really are just oversized kids still.

0591114136_arrested.jpg     How can I help him!!! I really don’t know what to do, or if doing nothing is the only thing I can do. Arrested, yet again, and for all the wrong reasons (I think). Bowling was never this dangerous when I was a kid, so what has changed? Is the version of what took place skewed? After all those involved in the incident are most likely minimizing what really transpired.

So Jeff was sticking up for Liz. That much I think is great thing, but the fact that they both put themselves in the position they did shows how much they have yet to learn. I still don’t know what started the incident, or just how it went down. A few beers for both and a few bad attitudes I suppose. When all is said and done, in my eyes, if there had been no alcohol consumed maybe this incident could have been avoided.
Bouncers which flexed their muscles on both of my children; how does a mother wrap her mind around that. Just would could a 100 pound girl do that would require a bouncer to put her to the ground. Ok, so the kissing of the cement done by Liz and Jeff came after a verbal altercation with other bowlers – still Liz has never been in this type of arena.

I have to say my heart felt good to know that Jeff got between Liz and others when he thought Liz was being attacked. Sure, some chick was just yelling words at her, but when someone gets in your sister’s face while you are waiting for a cab what’s a brother to do. I want to scream WALK AWAY but I know no one can hear me and even if I could have told them what does good ol’ mom know.

So, loud voice and some intoxicated male egos and two siblings get their date with the ground. You would think it would pass quickly. Calm everyone down and move everyone on their way, but no, of course not we are talking about my kids. The surrounding area filled with spectators, people yelling and fueling the fire and the bouncers doing everything they were trained not to do. When all was said and done, while Jeff was held with his hands behind his back, a bouncer walked in front of him and YANKED his dog tags off. This was the point where Jeff was crushed; Liz said Jeff really lost it, screaming like he was running up a hill in battle. How disrespectful can someone be? My heart is broken each and every time I think of the very thing Jeff holds so dear being torn off his neck. How can someone be that disrespectful to a person, a state of mind, and our country. Jeff is a Marine and he will always be that, and those who benefit from the people serving our country (in any way) should think twice before they do such horrible things.

By this time the police where there and threatening arrest of Liz as well. Jeff arrested for public intoxication (though Liz said he only had two beers – Jeff has been known to drink 20+ beers so 2 beers are nothing. One must remember he is 20 years old and there is a zero tolerance when it comes to under age drinking).

I don’t know much else other than Jeff was still in jail when Liz finally spilled the beans at 1:30 p.m. She said he was arrested the night before around midnight and each and every time she called the jail they gave her the run around. First they told her they would be holding him longer than 8 hours. Last I heard Liz had been told that they were going to release him later today. I still know nothing, and there’s no one to call. Liz prefaced providing me with any information with “You can’t tell Jeff you know.” I guess he will tell him in his own time, but still I want to reach out and let him know that while I don’t agree with his choices (drinking) I love him and want to be there for him in emotional support.

Liz said she tried to call me last night at 1 a.m. and I didn’t answer. I later found out she called Jake and sobbed for hours. Jake was extremely tired today and I had no idea why until just a little while ago. Apparently Jake talked to his sister via cell phone half the night to calm her down. He made some middle of the night calls to the jail trying to gather information about Jeff. I think the one positive thing I can take away from this (if there is anything positive) is that Jeff, Liz and Jake are there for each other no matter what, and for that I am glad.

No matter what…I ache for my children tonight. I want everyone home and safe, and I am just mad as hell that I can’t make that happen. A mother of adults has no power; the state of powerlessness is a dark and dismal place.

092-113_large.jpg       Exhaustion has finally found me – the day has been long, but long awaited. Jake took the first step into true adulthood (ok ok a baby step) as he journeyed through the pomp and circumstance procession. The moment I saw the blue gowns with all those white and yellow tassels my heart soared. How long it has been – how long we have all waited for this day.

Tears were surprising absent on this special occasion. When Liz and Jeff graduated the tears flowed – not sure if it was sheer joy or welcomed relief that they had actually graduated. All the ups and downs of high school, all the cutting classes and the missed tests, and finally the triumphant day arrived. But, with Jake there was happiness that he had achieved this moment, but not tears. Maybe the moments with Liz and Jeff paved the way for a calmer mother, or maybe I just finally understand that graduation is just one of many more wondrous occasions to come.

There were a couple of times where the tears welled up in my proud eyes, but no salty moisture fell to my cheeks, there was just too much to smile about.

There are TONS of pictures and I am sure in a day or two I will post a few. However, for now, Jake, in all his cap and gown moments is mine – all mine

Who am I today? Today’s I am nothing more and nothing less than Jacob’s mother.

motherhood1-05.jpg     I can not recall the last time we were all together as an entire family. There are times when it is Liz, Geoff and I, or Jeff and Geoff, or Liz and Geoff, and of course Liz, Jeff and Jake, but usually it is just Jake, Geoff and I, as Jake is the only one living at home.

Yesterday, do not ask me how, Geoff, I, and yes, Jacob, went to
Santa Barbara to see Liz and Jeff. I was actually shocked that Jake agreed to go. First off, no 17 year old wants to ride in the back seat listening to their parent’s music. It helps that we listen to a lot of the same stuff, but just the same I was pleasantly surprised Jake agreed to go.

We got a late start, which all the kids had a problem with, but because Geoff needs to catch up on sleep during the weekends a late start is the best we could do. When we arrived in SB we met Liz at Jeff's home. I was shocked, if that is a strong enough word. Jeff's house is a SHIT HOLE (his words). Liz told me it use to be nice but with the constant parties, the people throwing up, and whatever goes on there it has come to look like it did in a few short months. I swear sitting down in there was difficult. At one point I needed to use the bathroom, but since there's no door and you just have to announce "I have to pee" I opted to wait until we left.

We left before Jeff got off work and took Liz grocery shopping. Liz lives about 10 minutes from Jeff and since Jeff had about another hour to work we figured we would get some errands done. While there we went into Supercuts to give Jessica a hug (Jeff's ex girlfriend who moved there to be near him only to end up hating him and he her). Jessica showed me her new tattoo and rambled and laughed with me just like the good old days.

After visiting with Jessica and grocery shopping we went to Liz's house. I guess her house is supposed to be a step up from Jeff's but to me it was almost the same. Yes, it was a bit cleaner, but still, it looks like a dive.

I guess I have never given much thought to the dwelling they lived in. After all, Liz has lived in 5 different places since moving to
Santa Barbara, and Jeff has lived in two. I know it is a college way of living, and for the most part they live in a world of "How many kids can we cram into this apartment to help pay for rent" but my goodness to live in someone else's filth is just beyond me.

Finally, Jeff got off work and we met him at his house. The first thing, after a long, hard hug, was "Yeah Mom, how do you like my shit hole?" I just smiled and said it was dirty. Immediately I noticed he was drinking a beer. I don't understand why he had to drink a beer if he knew he was going to see me. He knows how I feel about alcohol, and he really knows how I feel about alcohol and him. Shit, he is not 21, and he has had so much trouble with alcohol why does he have to drink, and why flaunt it in front of my face. Of course I made a remark, to which he responded that he wasn't getting drunk, he had a hard day at work and he was in his home. I offered no response but he knew how I felt. We talked some about his move, as he and Adam #2 (Liz's ex who is something an ex and sometimes not and lives with Jeff) will be good for him. They found a studio apartment, 950 a month, which will be just theirs. Jeff seems to think that living in one room with Adam will stay cleaner, if for no other reason than there are not a million other kids living there or able to stay there. I hope that is the case and Jeff and Adam have better luck living together, without the masses.

Jeff and I hit one rough patch, of course when we were talking about money. I paid part of his deposit on the new place (again) and will have to pay his rent on the first as he does not get paid until the 8th of the month, and he will be away for his 2 month duty for the Marines. I made a comment about that as he kept spouting how independent he is, to which his response was I do nothing for him as he pays me back everything I give him. I guess when you are a kid (young adult) and you pay back SOME things you take that to mean you always pay back. I did not keep talking about it as he can become hurtful with words, as he did. I just cried when he left the room because I could not hold it in. I know he does no think it is hurtful, and I know he does not want to be hurtful, but what can I say..I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to the kids, how I feel about them, and how they feel about me.

It was nice, for the most part, being with Geoff and all three kids. It doesn't happen very much as the young adults are off living their own lives. Dinner went well, and I felt great joy in my heart watching Liz, Jeff and Jake interact; laughing and joking with each other was a great sight. After dinner Jeff took us to his work; showing us the facility and his desk. He really is doing well in the work arena and I am so proud of him for that. Before we left Jeff showed me the new studio apartment. It is in a better area, and closer to his job; walking distance is a huge plus when you don't have a driver’s license.

We hugged and kissed goodbye and on the road Geoff, Jake and I went.

All in all a heart warming day with all three of my kids; yes, there were a few rough patches, as I think there will always be, but just the same we love each other. We may differ on what is best, but we are there for each other – always. It was just what I needed – a FULL family day – my heart is full.

I love my family.

Jake, Liz, Jeff, Jessica, Adam
The above picture was taken when Jeff was stationed at Pendleton in June 2005

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