Liz


Just how many times does Liz have to go through the emotional roller coaster ride with Adam#2. I don’t know how to help other than to listen when she is in need. At least that is what I always thought, but now just listening is getting old, and there comes a time when you choose to be on the roller coaster or choose to get off. My words to her now are supportive but straight and to the point. How many different ways does she have to be abused? No, it isn’t physical, but that doesn’t mean it is not harming her psyche.

I was watching television and I believe it was on Wedding Date where I heard the line, or something to the effect Women have exactly the kind of relationship they want . I told Liz that tonight and she didn’t say much to it. I don’t know how to get through to her other than to be harsh. No more sugar coating it. It’s time to move on. I can’t make her take the steps, but I will no longer sit silenty while she chooses wrong.

(more…)

images.jpeg     I unleashed the rage on Liz and though some was hers to own some was not. I had called Liz three times and left her one-txt message and still no phone call. Finally after 11:30 p.m. she calls me. I went off on her about her overdrawn bank account and how her she was irresponsible in allowing her account to get into this state. She tried to explain but I wouldn’t hear it. There’s no reason that is acceptable. If you don’t have money you don’t spend money – PERIOD. I went on and on about how she doesn’t give her money situation much thought because she knows I will bail her out. Ok, but this time I am crying. I am so tired of spending every dime on Liz and Jeff and them feeling entitled to the funds. It isn’t that I mind helping. I mind them thinking I have to help, and allowing me to do so continuously. I care that they don’t care that I cannot do anything fun or interesting because all my time, energy and money goes to keep them afloat.All this was not just Liz’ responsibility, but to me it was. I had talked to Jeff earlier as he had called a day or two ago and stated he needed help with his rent. Jeff gets so mad when I question him as to where his money goes so it makes every conversation a chore. He doesn’t get it ..If I am funding something I am entitled to reasons and I am obligated to talk to him about how he spends his money and why he cannot pay his own rent. (more…)

My cup doesn’t runneth over, and the fact that the kids think it does often sticks in my craw. I received a call from Jeff today about help with his rent. When I advised him that just two or three days ago he had 600 dollars in his account, which was enough to cover his rent, he stated that he spent part of it on necessities. Is going out to eat a necessity? I asked him that, to which he stated, “Well Liz wanted to go out and you know I had to pay for her. She doesn’t have any money.” I tried to point out that going out to eat was a necessity. Jeff just doesn’t really see it because he knows I am always hear plucking that money tree I must have in the backyard ensuring his financial security for one more month. Although Jeff asks for money he normally (sometimes) pays me back. As he said this time when he asked I could take the money back on the 8th when he gets paid. He tried to go into that spiel of how he always pays me back. I reminded him that when he was away at drill for three weeks I paid his rent and haven’t taken it back, and I haven’t taken back the deposit for this new apartment I forked out. He doesn’t always have money, and it serves me no purpose to take it back if he has to call and ask me for it the next day.Jeff thinks I help Liz and never expect it back. Thus far Liz hasn’t been able to pay it back, so yes I haven’t expected all my many hundreds of dollars back from Liz. That said, it should be noted that Liz isn’t out spending my money on parties and such. I have given her just enough to pay bills, and I know she wasn’t misappropriating it as she didn’t have a job at the time so there was no money to spend other than what I gave her.

Kids, they just don’t get it that parents are not made of money. My money tree is dying off, actually it died off long ago I just fake having it most of the time. I give to them and go without myself, which seems wrong since they are supposed to be adults living on their own.

Liz called me shortly after Jeff did and yes, it was about money too. A bit different, and in a round about way, but still about money. Liz had an interview today for a second job as a receptionist, and from what she said she got it. YEAH! She supposedly starts in two weeks. 23 hours a week, which is great and she can still keep her waitress job as well. So in two plus weeks she might be back to completely self sufficient. So exciting for me! Of course there’s a catch. She needs clothes, nicer closthes as this place is a bit snobby and uppity. I told her when she comes home on the 11th we can go pick up a few pair of slacks and blouses. Buying in Santa Barbara is too expensive so when she comes home we can go to the cheapie stores. Sure the clothes might not last as long but she can worry about that when they fall apart; by then she can buy her new clothing with her own money.

After work I settled into dozing on the couch while I watched Big Brother (I really am a reality TV junkie) and remembered Jeff’s rent money. I called him and told him he needed exactly 239 dollars to cover his rent (he had some money in his account). I informed him he wouldn’t have a dime, not one-dime until the 8th when he got paid and asked how much money he wanted me to put in his account. I was willing to go over the 239 some, as I knew I was going to take it back. Jeff was obviously busy as I heard music in the background. He told me he was out with friends but he was NOT spending money. I honestly can’t say I believe that but I was more annoyed that I was going out of my way to help him and he wasn’t willing to stop socializing for even a minute or two and talk to me about it. I told him when he was done with his friends and being irresponsible to call me.

No call, no call…and yes, no call.

Finally, I just text messaged him and asked what he wanted. I advised him if I didn’t hear from him that he would get nothing. I am sure he will call later, and at this point I don’t plan to pick the phone up. He can call me later, at my convenience not his.

Money..grow on trees…..yeah right.

  I decided not to say anything to Jake’s girlfriend, DJ. I know she was worried about having to face me knowing I knew she and Jacob had done the deed. Jake told me he made her aware of it, and although I wanted to discuss what I had found out I really thought about it. After all what purpose would it serve?

DJ did not come over for a few days. I asked Jake about it and he had no reasoning behind it. We both knew why she didn’t feel comfortable enough to come around.  Finally, a day or two after DJ messaged me on AIM. I guess she figured if we made small talk she could feel me out. The small talk occured two or three times until finally came over .

I could tell she was hoping we (ok me) didn’t bring the whole sex subject up. I didn’t and that set her at ease. Last night Jake had to work so DJ, Geoff and myself went to dinner. I sensed she was still a bit uneasy but at least we were heading in the right direction.  I have to get used to the fact that Jacob and his girlfriend don’t really want to share some things with me. Although I think they are too young for sexual intercourse, they are going to do whatever they think is best.

Today I was going through my usual myspace.com reads (stealing pictures from my kid’s sites for memory videos and such) I came across this authored by Jacob to his girlfriend DJ.

Hi babe i dont work today we get to hang out yay. I just want you to know i love you so much and i dont know what i would do without you. Your the best thing that ever happend to me. I am so happy hat God put you on this earth. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

I feel odd about this. I know feelings are intense when sex is involved and young love, but I just feel odd about how intense this is. I have this gut feeling that this girl will be it for him. I like her, a lot, but if he never experiences things how will he ever be sure.

My thought at the moment…. BEWARE OF CHILDREN. Not because they are children, but because they grow up and have that stage of stupid young adult. I always use to joke I wouldn’t live through children, now I am not so sure I will make it through young adulthood.

*****

I talked to Jeff the other day he called for the usual fuck with my mother’s mind moment. He told me he went to court on his last arrest. When I asked what happened he sounded so serious. Jeff told me he received a 900 dollar fine and would have to do 20 days in jail. I was speechless and scared for him. He told me that if I wanted I could pay for an attorney to try and get him out of the 20 days jail. I immediately got quiet. First off why wouldn’t he pay for an attorney, and secondly, I didn’t think I could afford it and with that already felt I was failing him. Jeff was very carefree about the thought of having to spend 20 days in Jail. He kept saying no big deal and it will be like bootcamp.  After about 15 minutes Jeff decided it was time to clue me in. He was joking. All this was a joke. I could have killed him. I was so stressed and worried about the thought of him having to spend time in jail and to know he made it up was annoying. Jeff did go to court and was fined, but only 120 dollars. He had his licensed suspended for another year (which I thought was huge) but he seemed ok with it. Not sure why, as he was within 20 days of being able to obtain his license again. He did state that the court gave him a restricted license, which is good (maybe).

He did purchase a car from his friend a month or so ago, which he is still paying on so until it is paid off his friend is holding the vehicle. He will have to get special insurance, which I don’t think he can afford, but that is going to be an issue for him. I will say this, I am very worried about him driving. If he doesn’t have enough for the right insurance I believe he will drive anyway. If he doesn’t have a license to go everywhere and anywhere he will go anyway. He has shown by his actions that he is not done making very dumb choices, and for that reason I am worried for him. Alcohol and Jeff don’t go together at all. Alcohol, Jeff and a car is deadly.

*****

Liz has been laying low these days. She is working, which is a plus, but seems to be in a funk. Her and Adam #2 are at odds (again) and she just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want her. He only wants her sometimes, and even then it isn’t a real desire. I feel like getting her that book He’s just not that into you. Why doesn’t she see what everyone else sees. Liz is so strong, yet her one obsession is Adam. I hope she grows tired of caring for someone who could not give a shit about her.

*****

On a side note: Elizabeth, Jeffrey and Jacob all start school soon. I cannot believe they are all in college. I am still unsure of the funding. It seems no one works as hard as making sure their financial aid applications and information is submitted than myself. I keep asking each one to do follow up things and I get the run around. I don’t think they understand that although I am Mommy they are adults, legal over the age of 18 adults, and their mommy cannot call the school and get information or followup for them. They have to do that, tell me what is needed, and then we go from there. At this rate no funding will be given to them and we will all be struggling through the next semesters.

As I said BEWARE OF CHILDREN! When they are young they are easily controlled. I only wish I could go back to those good ol’ days (ok only sometimes). Once they are older it is more difficult to control what is needed.

0591114136_arrested.jpg     How can I help him!!! I really don’t know what to do, or if doing nothing is the only thing I can do. Arrested, yet again, and for all the wrong reasons (I think). Bowling was never this dangerous when I was a kid, so what has changed? Is the version of what took place skewed? After all those involved in the incident are most likely minimizing what really transpired.

So Jeff was sticking up for Liz. That much I think is great thing, but the fact that they both put themselves in the position they did shows how much they have yet to learn. I still don’t know what started the incident, or just how it went down. A few beers for both and a few bad attitudes I suppose. When all is said and done, in my eyes, if there had been no alcohol consumed maybe this incident could have been avoided.
Bouncers which flexed their muscles on both of my children; how does a mother wrap her mind around that. Just would could a 100 pound girl do that would require a bouncer to put her to the ground. Ok, so the kissing of the cement done by Liz and Jeff came after a verbal altercation with other bowlers – still Liz has never been in this type of arena.

I have to say my heart felt good to know that Jeff got between Liz and others when he thought Liz was being attacked. Sure, some chick was just yelling words at her, but when someone gets in your sister’s face while you are waiting for a cab what’s a brother to do. I want to scream WALK AWAY but I know no one can hear me and even if I could have told them what does good ol’ mom know.

So, loud voice and some intoxicated male egos and two siblings get their date with the ground. You would think it would pass quickly. Calm everyone down and move everyone on their way, but no, of course not we are talking about my kids. The surrounding area filled with spectators, people yelling and fueling the fire and the bouncers doing everything they were trained not to do. When all was said and done, while Jeff was held with his hands behind his back, a bouncer walked in front of him and YANKED his dog tags off. This was the point where Jeff was crushed; Liz said Jeff really lost it, screaming like he was running up a hill in battle. How disrespectful can someone be? My heart is broken each and every time I think of the very thing Jeff holds so dear being torn off his neck. How can someone be that disrespectful to a person, a state of mind, and our country. Jeff is a Marine and he will always be that, and those who benefit from the people serving our country (in any way) should think twice before they do such horrible things.

By this time the police where there and threatening arrest of Liz as well. Jeff arrested for public intoxication (though Liz said he only had two beers – Jeff has been known to drink 20+ beers so 2 beers are nothing. One must remember he is 20 years old and there is a zero tolerance when it comes to under age drinking).

I don’t know much else other than Jeff was still in jail when Liz finally spilled the beans at 1:30 p.m. She said he was arrested the night before around midnight and each and every time she called the jail they gave her the run around. First they told her they would be holding him longer than 8 hours. Last I heard Liz had been told that they were going to release him later today. I still know nothing, and there’s no one to call. Liz prefaced providing me with any information with “You can’t tell Jeff you know.” I guess he will tell him in his own time, but still I want to reach out and let him know that while I don’t agree with his choices (drinking) I love him and want to be there for him in emotional support.

Liz said she tried to call me last night at 1 a.m. and I didn’t answer. I later found out she called Jake and sobbed for hours. Jake was extremely tired today and I had no idea why until just a little while ago. Apparently Jake talked to his sister via cell phone half the night to calm her down. He made some middle of the night calls to the jail trying to gather information about Jeff. I think the one positive thing I can take away from this (if there is anything positive) is that Jeff, Liz and Jake are there for each other no matter what, and for that I am glad.

No matter what…I ache for my children tonight. I want everyone home and safe, and I am just mad as hell that I can’t make that happen. A mother of adults has no power; the state of powerlessness is a dark and dismal place.

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Life Moment Rewind:

As a mother the hardest thing has to be letting go; no matter what age that finds you it is heart wrenching. When Liz was very young, maybe 9 months old, Neil decided she was going to have to learn to fall asleep without being rocked by mommy. I didn’t agree, but in secret I had found bedtime difficult. If we weren’t home; that comfy chair that rocked just right Liz would not find sleep. That first night was hell. I remember Neil taking her from me (at the time I felt it was ripping her from me) and placing her in her room in her crib. A new experience for both Liz and I. Liz cried, rather screamed like she was dying, for hours and hours. There were many moments when I attempted to go in and get her. Neil literally sat on top of me saying this had to be done. We had to wean her off the routine of mommy, rocking and comfy chair. I thought evil things of Neil that night, but after 4 hours Liz cried herself to sleep. It was a drastic move this I would agree, but I can see now how necessary it was. It wasn’t like she was hurting, hungry, or wet; the only loss that was being inflicted was the loss of routine. The next night Liz cried but only for about 45 minutes, and each night after that was less and less. After about a week Liz smiled when we put her down for bed and the only person remembering the difficulty of the week was me. My heart hurt that week. I was losing my quiet time with my baby. I was losing my routine with her; she no longer needed me to feel safe and comforted during those moments between wake and sleep. Finally, she had learned the art of self comfort and my life would forever be different.

Life Moment Forward:

As a mother there comes a time when you must take a stand, and I have never had the strength to do so. I am forever the helper, or a better word is enabler. When the mail came yesterday and Geoff told me Liz got a ticket I was extremely upset. What is a parking ticket – it is nothing more than another parking ticket; in a lifetime of parking tickets from her. Ok, so one small, insignificant parking ticket, that is what I would have said if it didn’t follow the months and months of dependency she has become accustomed to.  In that moment, though no words were spoken to others, I knew it was time for me to stand up and speak; not in anger this time as before, but in love.

I called Liz and of course got her voice mail. When she returned my call Geoff, myself, Jake and DJ were doggie door shopping at Home Depot. I didn’t want to have this conversation there but knew it was now or never. As I write this I don’t even know if I can adhere to my own words. Something in me says I can’t but a higher power says I must. I told Liz we got a parking ticket in the mail. Immediately she said she wasn’t aware of a ticket; as if her not knowing makes it not true. When I told her where the ticket was received she said nothing. I think at that point there was not much to argue and it was true; yet again the child thought “it is just a parking ticket.” There was also a offense sited for no front license plate (which is in the trunk). Liz was quick to point out that part of the ticket was a fix it ticket and she would take care of it; I was quick to point out she already had a ticket for that and didn’t take care of it.

I am still not angry at this point; it is hard to say what I was/am but I know I ache. The decision I must stand by will likely kill me, this I know to be true. I told Liz I loved her very much but could no longer financially help her. I assured her I would pay her rent this month as I said I would, and as I have been doing for the last six months. However, after it was paid I would not be financially assisting her at all. There would be no cell phone bill payment from me, no rent, no electricity and/or food. I told her that she has far exceeded a reasonable amount of time to be out of work and as long as I continued to make it possible for her not to take any job that came her way she would not find a job. I told it was time to do whatever it took to work even if that meant lowering her standards. I reminded her throughout the conversation I loved her and was not angry with her at all. This was not like the last time (a few weeks ago). I needed her to understand that she has to support herself. I needed her to understand that by my giving to her my household and Jake suffers. I reminded her that my assistance is supposed to be for school and emergencies and not for everyday expenses. I pointed out if she or her brother, Jeff, found themselves in a real emergency or sick I would not be in a position to financially help them as they both take every cent they can from me on a monthly basis. I tried to make it about how helping them was affecting me and not about them. I know she was thinking I was upset and angry I could hear it in her voice. She just kept saying “Ok Mom, Ok Mom” over and over again.

I took my stand; not really for me but for her independence. When she first moved out (in town) she was so responsible. She was able to work, attend school, have a social life, and be a young adult. Since her move to
Santa Barbara she seems to have lost her financial independence, and sadly she doesn’t seem to mind. I know she is tired of not doing anything very fun, but when you have good ol’ mom footing the living expenses of your life, and your friends pitching in for some fun stuff why should you work? I told her it was time to look for a job, and work at any job found. I told her that she should be looking for a job 24/7 and if she was home watching a movie or going to the beach she wasn’t doing what is necessary for her life to be successful. Lastly, again I told her I loved her, but I couldn’t give her any money at all; not until after she was working. I do not mind contributing to keeping her afloat, after all she is in college, but I will not be the sole supporter of it. She has to realize that things don’t just come to us and for her to have what she has someone (me and her brother) have to go without. I would gladly go without if she could not work, but laziness will no longer work.

I need to dig my heels in and hold on fast; it is time to help my screaming baby, who didn’t want to lose the comfort and routine of me rocking her to sleep, fly. I only hope I have the strength. Some mom moments are difficult. Some are impossible. Some just are what they are.

Life Moment Present: 

(Secretly, I fear I am too weak to take this stand) 

On_a_clear_day_at_the_beachby_fredericomendes.jpg      So we’ve been unable to talk for days. I can’t believe Liz is actually afraid to talk to me. There have been short durations of time in the past where she has been silent but this is really the longest.

About a week ago Liz called me and informed me she was 140 dollars over drawn. Needless to say I was not pleased. She has no job, and knows the only money she has is what I put in her account, so how on earth could she be overdrawn. When I looked at her account it was clear. She went to McDonalds one day for about 10 dollars and Starbucks one day for about 3 dollars. Doesn’t sound like much, right, but it is a lot when you have nothing. Those two small purchases caused 104 dollars with of overdraft fees from the back. When I saw that I went nuts. I told her how disappointed I was in her. How she has been lazy long enough and it was time to get serious about finding a job. How she was being inconsiderate as I was attempting to keep her afloat for the past four months, and now her  brother, Jeff, as I was going to have to pay his rent this month as well (and just got done paying some of his security deposit on his new apartment). In addition, Jake is graduating and I had to find the money to ensure he got to experience it all, grad night, etc etc. Liz seemed shocked that I was so angry. I mean, come on, 104 dollars just out the window. I think I used every cuss word in the book, and continued to push the subject of her irresponsibility.  I finally told her I was so angry with her I had to go, but informed her first thing in the morning she was to call the bank and try to get some of the funds returned as I immediately put money in her account.

I was so upset when we hung up I sent her a text message:
MOM: I am disappointed, I don’t think you understand I can’t pay my stuff with your stuff and your brother’s stuff, and now this. And in one week or so both rents are due. HELP!! Fix this bank mess. I love you both a lot.

The next day…nothing

The next day…nothing

Two phone calls from me….no answer

Finally 4 days later I sent her a text message:

MOM: I called yesterday you never called me back. Did you call the bank?

Day 5:

Liz: I will. I have no minutes that is why I can’t call back. Yesterday my phone was dead and charging.

Day 6:

Liz: I called them and they are not giving the money back. So tomorrow I’m going to talk to Jeff’s friend at the bank. I’ll call you at nine and tell you details.

Day 7:

Liz: Sorry, I haven’t called you back. I knew how mad you were with me and honestly was scared to call you. I started working yesterday at IV market, training, I still have no minutes but I think I’m seeing Jeff later so I will definitely call you then. So sorry I’ve been avoiding you. Love you.

My response to her text message:

MOM: I love you too. Glad you are working. You will feel much beter about things. I was very upset as money is so right. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. You have to be more careful. So now that you are working will you still be able to take your brother to Encino at 3am and what about Jake’s graduation.

Liz’s response in txt:

Liz: I don’t work again until the 3rd of June.

Day 8…nothing, but I got a call from Jeff about Liz driving him to Encino for drill  (his two weeks). Jeff asked me to put money in Liz’s account for gas. When asked why Liz didn’t call Jeff stated he didn’t know. When asked where Liz was he said outside. I asked if she wanted to talk to me, Jeff said he didn’t know.

So basically we aren’t talking. Her mistake and she shuts me out. I guess she is going to have to come around in her own time. I am not going to baby her on this one. She has to learn that her actions touch us all.

I just sent Liz a text message stating:

MOM: I put money for gas in your account. Since you are still afraid to call I will see you when you come home. Don’t forget to bring your computer home so I can get pictures. I love you.

Kids can be so emotionally draining – even when they are adults. No matter where I go the cloud follows. Hopefully, the sun will shine soon. Jake's graduation is on Thursday and I hope Liz can get over it before then.

(for now I will just remember the lazy days on the beach with the kids…oh how simple life was back then)

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