The Mom

There are so many parent bloggers out there and almost all of them post such happy feelings and life events, so my thought is – what’s wrong with me? (more…)

A Appreciative
P Plain
A Arty
R Responsible
E Enchanting
N Normal
T Timeless
S Square
M Meek
E Enchanting
M Meek
O Outrageous
I Ideal
R Radiant
S Secretive
Just a fun thing to do

Name Acronym Generator

151f61dfa554e579.jpg     I am from teeter totters and “I Love Lucy”, from Ovaltine that never really tasted like chocolate and St. Joseph’s baby aspirin rich in that wondrous orange flavor which I took for candy.

I am from the white and grey apartment squeezed between many of the same with fake wooden shutters with chipped brown flakes resting on the welcome mat.  The house with high windows far above the beds, so high that the outside world could barely be seen from the tip toes of two little girl’s standing atop the beds. Where the rolling dishwasher made trips from corner to corner during the earth’s call to us, screaming I am here you best listen. The house where everyone knew everyone’s name and complete life history, except for the person called “My Son” who to this day the name remains unknown. The house where a father raised daughters with laughter and tears; and where the alley was the road to “Let’s make a deal.”

I am from the jungle of ivy imprisoning the residents to their homes unless crossing through them cautiously as though it was a matter of life and death.  I am from the warm redness puddle at my feet in an early attempt to defy Ms. Ivy. The sweet smells of spring which marries the nose with the greatest of ease to cause hay fever and tears. I am from the hills of Hollywood and green like hills thought to be mine and mine alone.

I am from bean and bacon soup and tuna sandwiches every Friday night, joined in partnership with kerosene lamps and radio mystery shows; always bringing forth a fear so happily accepted. From a family who could go months without seeing each other and pick up right where they left off on the last word spoken. I am from an uncle who lived to travel the world through words, carried over land and sea via CB radio, and an aunt who accepted the motherhood role at times only to punish as equally as she did her own children. I am from a wonderful sister who didn’t understand the meaning of “No I won’t sing there’s a hole in the bucket” anymore and with great ease a sister who pulled one hair out of a tender head and said simply, “Sing.” I am from early memories of childhood joy until the newcomers came to invade the bliss of life I called mine.

From the fear that the man in the moon could truly see me as I saw him and the lies about the newcomers who came to conquer life as it was known and cherished.

I am from a community of Jews never knowing a gentile until living into two digits years. From Friday night services with pretty stained glass windows calling the bright sun out to play to Sunday school teachings. From beautiful sounds of deep vibrato, heavy scrolls passing before the eye, and words sometimes not understood.  

I am from the Hatfield and McCoy’s and always cautious to not cross the paths. From Oscar Meyer and the Winerschnitzel hot dog car, and home made candy. From lifesaver cookies to mountains of divinity cramping the stomachs of every child within 100 miles. I am from matzah bri and blintzes calling to a grumbling stomach and chocolate covered hallavah melting in a warm mouth.

From a father who stared society in the eye raising two daughters on his own when being in the care of a father was not popular. I am from a father who dedicated the first 10 or so years of his life to his family, children, and work, so that his children could have the basic necessities of life. From a father who cooked massive amounts of sweets every time his belt buckle got too tight, a man that cooked the sweets but never ate them. From a man who forgot all that he had done and brought others into the safe and secure world only to cause lasting memories of pain and sorrow. I am from a father that allowed his new wife to change all that was good in the precious gift called family.  I am also from a mother who was never meant to be a mother and still has not acquired the tools to take on the difficult job.

I am from very few photos, cracked and bent, as the family denigrated before my peak. From lyrics of songs only loved because they were her songs. I am from Deep Purple Haze and Donny Osmond songs sung with passion and puppy love. From backyard plays and theater curtains made from sheets. I am from riding bikes in the alley and calling it “Freeway” with penalties so horrendous they dare not be spoke of.

I am from where I am today, a mother of three, a former nursemaid, chauffer, and teacher. From marriage and divorce and beginnings and endings; from new loves and found passion.

I am from great quotes and poignant lyrics; lover of words and verbal expression.  I am from grey. I am here, I am there, I am nowhere. I neither bask in the light or cower in shadows. I blend into the scenery. You see me and you don't. I am the absence of color and all colors in one. I am the shade no one speaks of. I am grey. I am a work in progress and a woman whose mood changes with the wind. I am an equation that few figure out, but if figured out cherished for eternity. I am completely devoted in spite of my own insanity.

I am me in all its glory and darkness. From poetic chaos I am simply – me.

Stolen from Nance who stole it from supposedly sane who got it from HERE

Another Mother’s Day past and I for one can’t be happier. I don’t think this day will ever be one I feel good about. Early on I thought having my own children would make it easier, but honestly it hasn’t.

When the children were younger I could hide my sadness easier. There were always things to do; foods to prepare and family functions to attend, but now – now things are different.

It is an awful feeling to have such emptiness when it comes to your relationship with your mother. I could put more effort into building a relationship with her, but I really don’t know how to do that. She and I have tried to talk in years past but I think we both throw in the towel after a few attempts. It isn’t that there is hatred (at least I don’t think) it is more that we can’t find common ground. There is no point of reference; nothing to unite us. Biological is not enough to unite people, at least I haven’t felt it to this point.

A quote from “The Mother Knot” “… I was the girl who loved and hated her mother in equal measure, whose  longing was obvious and whose rage had always been concealed, even  – especially  – from herself…”

So if the above statement is something I truly feel then what do I do to change it? Is there really a possibility of a relationship when you have never had one? Maybe it is just me; others have been able to overcome a rift in a parent/child relationship and found each other. The fact that I cannot says something about me.

I keep thinking it is because she and I have never had a bond; no relationship at all. That being the case it feels impossible to build one starting out with nothing at all. Watching T.V. (ok I know one shouldn’t compare to the TV world) I really think it is just me with this issue. The television show Starting Over shows me that it can be done. Cassie gave a child up for adoption. Had no relationship with that child and was able to start to build a bond. So why can’t I? Is it really an impossible task or is my warped mind unable to free itself long enough to let her in; so many questions with no acceptable answers.

We have nothing in common, but is that really the reason – or merely a cold hearted daughter’s excuse? I don’t know if we have anything in common but I push enough so that I will never have to find out.

Anyway, just a bit of rambling from a swollen eyed daughter who hates mother’s day. The tears flow in private – no one needs to know or see – for the simple solution is break down the wall built high around me  ( in regard to her) – which I say, for now, No.

As for my day with my own children it was almost non existent. Liz called twice – and after talking about financial issues said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day.” When she lived in town she always made a point of getting me flowers, and spending time with me, but now that she is out of town I suppose “Oh yea Happy Mother’s Day” will do. My heart isn’t into mother’s day anyway, but somehow I wish she had attempted something more than the statement. I know she loves me so I am not going to place too much on a day that is like any other day. I really do know she loves me and our relationship is one based on love, trust and openness. What could she have said or done today to make that any different – nothing.

I talked to Jeff today as well. He was busy with his drill weekend (Marine Reserves) but called me to say he didn’t need Geoff to pick him up. Before he hung up he said, “Oh yeah Happy Mother’s Day. (did he and Liz set that up earlier..geez). He said he was busy and didn’t have much time but wanted to say hi. Jeff is a lot like me and doesn’t really go out for days such as mother’s day and birthdays. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. You would think I would accept and be completely satisfied with a statement and not a big ordeal since I don’t usually go all out either, but for some reason I want the thought behind the effort. Jeff and I have had our struggles, and though there is a lot I don’t condone in Jeff’s life he knows that I am always there to love him – no matter what. I am glad he knows he is loved even if he doesn’t like my position on any given subject.

Then there’s Jake. Jake was sweet; asking if I wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I think over the years he has come to know this day is miserable for me. He didn’t push it and for that I was grateful. I said I didn’t want to do anything and that was half true – so we left it at that. He went out for a bit and when he came back he brought roses. “Happy Mother’s Day Mom; okay gotta go now.” All in all the same Mother’s Day I have had every year for my entire life. Maybe it is time for a change  – maybe.  

(above linked pictures are dated – Liz current age 21 – Jeff current age 20 – Jake current age 17)


20 (or so) years ago I…
1. Married the man of my dreams (at the time)
2. Had my first child, second and third child
3. Started a business

10 (or so) years ago I…
1. Attended college
2. Became more self-confident
3. Met the next man of my dreams

5 (or so) years ago I…
1. Came to terms with the end of my marriage
2. Dealt with my son and his drinking
3. Began working at my current job

3 (or so) years ago I…
1. Actually divorced my husband
2. Reconnected with my mother
3. Disconnected with my mother

1 (or so) years ago I…
1. Watched my 20 yr old son join the Marines

2. Watched my 20 year old son become a man
3. Watched my 21 year old daughter, and 20 year old son move away (empty nest syndrome)

So far this past year I…
1. Dealt with the aftermath of my exs financial mishaps which seeped into my world
2. Made a few new girlfriends
3. Understood why I have never carried any anger in regard to my ex-husband

Yesterday I…
1. Anxious about a trip
2. Downloading music
3. Walked (exercise) even though I didnt want to

Today I…
1. Walked (exercise) even though I didnt want to
2. Had lunch with a close girlfriend
3. Listened to a client and offered words of advice

Tomorrow I will…
1. Walk (exercise) even though I wont want to
2. Make sure those I love know it
3. Call my children and say I love you  – Make sure HE knows I love him and adore him

In the next year I will…
1. Lose weight, but more importantly feel better
2. Focus on my emotional health
3. Work on my relationships with friends and family